As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Goat cheese is for herders.