As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
The French cow says MEUX…
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.