As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
You Might Also Like
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear