As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
You Might Also Like
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
This is amazing.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies