As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
that wasn’t the question
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September