As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
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Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Childbirth is so beautiful
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that