@SlabBaconBP

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

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@Beerhaze

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

@jonnysun

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

@Fyrekrakr73

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

@kthorjensen

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

@_sweet_ham

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

@ChefRonSullivan

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

@

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

@TheAlexNevil

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name