@JediGigi “JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
@SlabBaconBP As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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@JediGigi 
@Cheeseboy22 Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
@coolauntV dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
@girl_a_whirl {The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
@cpsemple Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
@bewgtweets [bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
@tealbluejay Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
@whatsJo My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
@blondebombs I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
@Smethanie The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor