As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.