As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.