As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
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Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent