As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.