As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
🤣😈🤣
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes