As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
And that about sums it up.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?