As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
When I snag the last meatball.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.