As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up