As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.