As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Lol.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Gemma Correll
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.