@TheNardvark I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
@WilliamAder As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
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@TheNardvark 
@qwertygirl The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
@njlitigator Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
@fantasesay Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
@AngelaEhh Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
@DiamondLou69 My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
@IamEnidColeslaw I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
@Stellacopter If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
@AaronFullerton Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
@MaybePileJokes therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist