As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.