As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”


The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”


Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens


Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.


Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.


My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.


I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair


If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.


Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.


therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist