@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

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@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

@fantasesay

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

@AngelaEhh

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

@DiamondLou69

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

@Stellacopter

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

@AaronFullerton

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

@MaybePileJokes

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist