[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*