As per my last nervous breakdown
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Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
#parenting
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-