As per my previous tablet…
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I can also cook 😂
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?