As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
that colleague who touches your screen
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.