As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.