As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Who did it better?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now