@byrdie_num_num

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

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@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@IfIwassomething

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

@Token_Geezer

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

@MsLisaM

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

@keplyq

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

@Dawn_M_

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

@TheAlexP

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

@miilkkk

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.