As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*


Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.


I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.


I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.


guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.


I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.


There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.


Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…


As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.