As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
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Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
We need more people like this.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.