As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week