As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
You Might Also Like
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA