As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!