@IAmKatieOrr

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

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@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@isabelzawtun

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

@Shade510

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

@KatieDeal99

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

@JustForHT

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

@slyoung5

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

@ericsshadow

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

@squirrel74wkgn

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.