As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)