“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?


Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…


[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”


I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae


Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.


When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.


I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.


Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.


“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”


“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”


I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.