“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Its true…
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.