Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.