If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …
“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
you: babe i love you
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty