As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.