As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook