As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.


respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”


When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.


*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re


The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”


Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.


Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.


Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.


I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.


*both typing*

you: babe i love you

me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty