@SteveKoehler22

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

@jonnysun

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

@chris_isloi

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

@TopherKearby

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

@TheFaldor

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

@mostlysharks

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty