Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Midwest trash talk

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.