As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
You Might Also Like
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?