As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
tis the season
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”