As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”