As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve