As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there