As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
even bears disappoint their mothers
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
lol
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
How do dragons blow out candles?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”