As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?


Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.


If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.


The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.


I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore


I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.


Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.


OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”


When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.