@anerdonfire2

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

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@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

@Kica333

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

@AmateurIdiot

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

@ddsmidt

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

@mattZillaaaa

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

@UNDEADTRESOR

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

@DearAuntAbby

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

@AaronFullerton

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

@ITomHorvat

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.