As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
yeah 😭
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension