As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.