As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.