As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My biological clock is wheezing.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila