#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.