ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
How to draw a duck
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.