Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Did I do this right
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.