@jdotduncan

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

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@philgibson01

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

@RdrJay47

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

@sixfootcandy

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

@LuvPug

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

@steveolivas

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

@dshack8

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

@daemonic3

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

@ozzyunc

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.