asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.