Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.