Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Autocarrot sucks!
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you