Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
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i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge