Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
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when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
What in the hipster hell is going on here
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking