Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
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[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
So glad we cleared that up
Wait a minute
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Festive toon…
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.